New to the dating game?? Or feeling like something just doesn’t add up. Learn to recognize the 5 signs to the question is he actually just wasting your time??
I used to think growing up around a ton of boys as a girly girl was a complete curse. But I’ve come to recognize how much of a blessing it really was. These boys taught me to have a no BS attitude around guys behavior and learn to call them out.
So today, lets talk about how to learn and recognize the signs of how to dismiss the wrong guy that just isn’t right for you.
And also how to know the guy who might already have an exit plan.
Signs to the question Is He Just Wasting Your Time??
Number One: He Told You Who He is
Have there ever been times in your life that you’ve learned some legit valuable life lesson and your life does a flashback?! This totally happened to me right now and here’s why…
The most important piece of life advice that you need to live by is this:
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!!-Oprah (check out this video where she talks about this life lesson she learned)
How many times have you brushed a guy’s actions or words under the rug with the belief that you could change them, fix them, or that you could handle them??
Most guys will tell you at the beginning of speaking to you who they are.
I can tell you that most guys I’ve spoken to or dated have told me at the very beginning who they are;
- I’m a workaholic
- I have a wild side
- I’m addicted to sex
- I’m a lot to handle. A lot of people hate me. I am not a nice person and will destroy your life.
- I don’t want a committed relationship. I’m just looking for a good time.
- I’m a womanizer
- I have a past that I don’t like to talk about
- I’m overly emotional
- I’m still in love with my ex
The list can go on and on.
Some of these thoughts or comments are frightening. Especially when in my case they have all come to light.
My destroyed marriage came from the comment. “I’m a lot to handle. A lot of people hate me. I’m not a nice person and will destroy your life.”
He told me and somewhere in my brokenness and irrational and naive way of thinking I believed that I could change him.
Fast forward almost 15 years later where my life story is one that people don’t want to hear because it will tear you apart.
When someone tells you who they are or shows you who they are believe them the first time!!
That is a total dysfunctional and unrealistic thought to go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person.
Believe me when I say, It is not your job to change him!!
And it is definitely NOT your job to raise him!!
But, it is your job to create a healthy life for yourself and find someone who compliments your life not destroys it!!
If he tells you he is a complete “@$$h0l3” believe him!!
Number Two: He tells you he doesn’t want a relationship
A lot of dating gurus will say to you that it is better to trust a man’s actions than their words and in most cases they are absolutely right!!
BUT!! Here is the big but!!
But, If he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship believe him!!
You cannot change his mind. You cannot persuade him to change or become better!!
If he is texting you all the time, sharing his hopes and dreams, talking about a future with you, being physical with you but still says he doesn’t want a relationship
He is there to use you for whatever game he is playing.
It could be to be you’re his backup girl that he’s got options
If you’re putting out (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free)
He will come to you because he knows that this nice pretty girl pays attention to him even when he treats her like garbage… he will always come back when life is not going well!!
Girl, I don’t know all his motives because guys all have their reasons but if he ever says to you I don’t want a relationship.
You gotta believe him!!
If you don’t believe me then ask yourself these questions:
“is he failing to tell me the truth so he gets what he wants??”
“does he only keep questions at surface value?? Or does he actually want to know my thoughts, feelings and beliefs??”
“does he use generic cutesy names with me?? How long have I known him for??”
If he is quick to rush these things he only wants sex or a physical relationship!!
Number Three: His Follow-through Game
A guy that sees you as a high value woman and actually wants to pursue you is not going to let himself slip off your radar.
He is not going to go one, two, three, four, or five days without texting you.
Please explain to me someone who doesn’t have time to check the game stats, read the news, text his bros a funny meme, or scroll through his social media feed.
If he has enough time to do this in the day, he has enough time to spend thirty seconds to text you and say “hey babe, it’s been a super crazy day. I hope things are going well. Talk to you tomorrow!!”
A guy who wants a relationship with you will show consistency!!
Remember watch someone’s actions and believe them!!
Another thing a ton of guys will do is pour a ton of time, affection, and communication with you to get what they want and then give you crickets.
This will be their pattern.
He will totally pour into you and then he will disappear.
And most likely, he will always have a good excuse!!
Oh I’m busy with work.
Oh I had a bunch of work meetings.
There was a bunch of family stuff come up. I’m just really busy right now.
Well hunny, the truth is he is always going to be busy!!
I recently had an experience with a guy who would pour into me and treat me amazing. It was just enough to leave me hooked.
And then he would just disappear.
I jokingly started to call him Casper the ghost when he would come back around. And it became a running joke.
But it got to the point where I was absolutely exhausted and tired of dealing with a guy who would pour into me and disappear.
And instantly the regrets came. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted the amount of time on him that I did.
He wasn’t ready or willing to give me what I needed.
When I told my mom why I let him go she said well that is how it was in the olden days before cellphones.
Yup it probably was.
But girl, we are in a whole different century so we play by different rules and game now!!
So if you learn anything from my story…
let it be this…
Make sure that he spends enough time pouring into you on a consistent basis and shows that consistency so that you feel cherished and loved!!
Number Four: He just won’t commit
Has there been a time where things seem to be moving along but he just won’t commit??
He kisses you, cuddles you and holds your hand.
And tells you you’re pretty.
Then, he may even take you to meet his parents or friends.
And then he just avoids the topic or conversation of what are we??
Or he will just call you his friend.
Or he may do the complete opposite and avoid introducing you to his circle of friends and won’t agree to meet yours.
Does he actively avoid any place, situation or circumstance where he needs a date??
Or will he only meet up with you at his house or yours??
… I feel like this is where you and I would hear crickets in our conversation…
because lets face it we’ve both been there…
Why do we do this to ourselves as girls?? Girl, he ain’t feeling it.
If he is doing this, then you can know that he is wasting your time!!
Dating coach, Ryan Patrick, shares in a lot of his videos and through his dating advice that things should just feel easy. So if they’re not then you can know that something is up!!
Number Five: You are his everything
It sounds like a good thing. i know.
And i wish I could tell you that it is.
But the deal is, when a guy constantly tells you that you make his day.
That you are his everything.
Or is only happy when you’re around.
You gotta believe him.
He expects you to be his source of happiness or entertainment.
It may even be that he lives his life in a constant state of negative emotions when you’re not around.
And the problem with that is if you guys end up dating, marrying and living together then his negative state will come back or be there.
His negative energy may even start affecting your positivity and draining all the things he initially fell in love with.
I can also tell you that it is emotionally exhausting to pour into people who see the glass as always half empty.
I once dated a guy who constantly needed that assurance and positivity.
After a couple of week of dating. I cracked. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Because I had poured so much into him to feed that level of positivity he said he needed and required.
Lesson learned. Don’t break yourself in the process of trying to find the one.
I don’t know if this necessarily should be it’s own section or not but if a guy is making you his everything you need to be wary.
In our Pails of Love post, of How To Know if You’re the Rebound, I shared a story about a guy who two days into talking told me he loved me.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on this guy who treated me amazing for the first week or dating and then totally flipped the switch.
He became moody. And rude.
He stood me up and wouldn’t show up to dates.
When I asked him about it. He blew me off.
And then one day he ghosted me.
So what was the deal.
I came to realize he suffered with the whole addiction of being a dating honeymooner.
It is usually in the first three months of dating, that people will be on their best behvaior. They will treat you amazing.. And pour into you because they feel the release of endorphins of I feel good!!
When that natural curiosity and excitement wears off… well then it is sayonara because that guy is on a fix to find his new feel good drug.
Believe me when I say its him NOT you!!
He will constantly be on the search to feel that brand new relationship excitement and he will never settle down.
Woosh, that was a lot of information right??
So if you don’t take anything away else from this heart to heart chat just remember this:
Girl you’ve got an intuition. Trust it. Give yourself the gift of time. You don’t need a man to complete you just to compliment you.
And always remember when people show you who they are, believe them the first time!!