Sometimes, there are still some nay sayers who don’t believe in the magic of Log Distance Relationships but I’m here to tell you 8 Reasons Why LDRs actually work
I love talking about dating, love, and things couples can do to strengthen their relationships.
On Pails of Love, we have focused on helping empower my fellow ladies out there about what to look for in relationships so that they trust themselves enough to know when something feels off and to trust their intuition on knowing when to throw in the towel and walk from a relationship that isn’t doing a thing for them.
No more sticking around because he is the best of the worst.
No more dating him cause you feel lonely or don’t think you deserve better.
Girl both you and I know that we have a ton of value to offer others and we will no longer settle for a man who doesn’t cherish and value our worth.
All come with different views and perspectives but each teach us ladies to embrace our intuition, our values and who we are to have the opportunity to create the best opportunities for healthy love strong relationships without selling ourselves short.
And I can’t thank them enough.
But as much as I love my adorable little brother Ryan Patrick dating coach pal’s advice I have a bone to pick with him about LDRS.
You can watch his youtube video called Long Distance Relationships: Expectations vs. Reality for some reference.
Ryan Patrick really truly does have some amazing dating advice so please check out his other videos they truly are wonderful… just his LDR advice game needs some work…
So let’s dive in….
If you don’t know what LDR’s stand for it is super simple Long Distance Relationships.
And if you stick around with me long enough you will know that my longest most successful and most loving relationships have all been LDRs. From the time I was a teenager to now.
Yup I have dated guys in real time and locally. But it just isn’t the same.
So I’m calling out to my pal Ryan Patrick to challenge his thinking and maybe reword his beliefs around LDRS and explain 8 Reasons why LDRs actually work
The first point he brings up is:
Your First Meet Up
If you check out youtube you can see some of the most heartwarming times that LDR couples meet in real life. And those butterflies and feeling like you are on top of the world are real when you meet for the first time.
So Ry says that because there is a lack of investment from a guy he will expect you to come to him first.
Which is absolutely false!!
Okay maybe it can be applied to those guys who are players that really aren’t looking for the real deal but a guy who actually is willing to be in a LDR will fly to you first no questions asked.
All the guys I dated offered to come to me first and if I said that I felt more comfortable flying to see them first (lots of it to do with the abusive ex I have) were willing to help cover flights, hotels, transportation and meals while I was down there.
So please back the truck up by saying a guy is not going to invest into you because you haven’t met in person yet….
If a guy is actually serious about an LDR he will either come see you first or help financially fund the trip so it isn’t a huge expense the first time you guys meet.
Number Two: When you commit to an LDR it takes work just like a relationship with someone locally does.
Ryan stated that a LDR will start off the real intention of video chatting every day only to lead to a disconnect and no follow-through.
Ummm… come again!?
How is the commitment in a LDR any different than one locally?!
When you spend time together with a person locally and date them you have to commit to give up time with friends or watching that movie alone, or whatever you were going to do alone instead to spend time to build the relationship.
If a guy is actually real about wanting a relationship with you whether he is local or halfway across the world he is going to make it work.
In my successful LDRs the guys always were texting me in the morning, check in throughout the day, would always phone or video call before bed and our schedules started to align. We always made time for each other in the day.
Any relationship takes work and time devoted to each other on a consistent and daily basis.
No matter if you’re local or long distance.
So let’s change Ry’s advice again…. You can know a guy isn’t serious about a LDR if he isn’t willing to put in the time needed to connect everyday… but let’s be honest that is a red flag for any guy whether he is long distance or local… cell phones changed the dating game… it just is what it is.
Number Three: If you are in an LDR the visits will start consistent and then become sporadic…
Kay again NO!! Just No Ryan!!!
Why…. Tell me why… let’s just get this out of the way. Ryan’s advice should be you can tell a guy isn’t invested in a Long Distance Relationship if he isn’t willing to be consistent in his scheduling to come see you or have you come visit him.
The successful long distance relationships I had we made it a goal to see each other on a very consistent basis.
Being two single parents, scheduling was sometimes tricky but we were seeing each other on a 6 to 8 week rotation.
As things became more serious the visits became monthly.
So I would have to disagree when you say that things will drop off. In a healthy LDR it actually will become more consistent and closer together the amount of visits that are happening.
Number Four: Long Distance Relationships only work if you met locally first…
I feel like this is one of those times where I could be sitting in a room silently.
You know when it is so silent that you describe it like there were crickets…
Just jumping online and just meeting some local random… is not always an option.
If you have any sort of Christian value system it is harder to find good men who actually have something amazing to offer.
And if your religious community or whatever community (like the deaf community for example) you are a part of it can be really difficult to find someone locally so long distance relationships sometimes are the answer.
I really don’t understand the reasoning behind Ryan’s thought process on this.
It is because you can’t trust someone you meet online??
I’d beg to differ but I definitely will back up Ryan on this when he says DO NOT GIVE ANYONE MONEY THAT YOU DON’T KNOW.
Don’t be silly or ridiculous and throw caution to the wind just cause you met someone online who says they live far away and are in some sticky situation. You still need to use safety precautions and there are ways to find out who this person really is. (Heck, tomorrow I am going to make a post about safety rules for LDRs cause that’s important)
Yup, Ryan is definitely right don’t give people money online!! Don’t do it!! Have you not watched Catfish?!
Okay, go start and then we will talk.
But let’s be honest meeting someone locally off a dating app or meeting somewhere in the world off a dating app is the same thing.
You still need to be careful. You still need to do your research. And you still need to create boundaries and safety lines.
Do we have to go back to elementary and jr. high when we were on the chat rooms??
Don’t just give out personal information. Don’t give out your address or full name. Be careful when you tell someone exactly where you live, work, go to school etc.
You take the precautions locally so do it long distance as well.
Oh Ryan, intimacy and passion huh??
Ryan shares that in LDRs you have passionate sex but it is not intimate. I would beg to differ.
The reason I am a poster child for Long Distance relationships is because it is way easier to let your guard down with someone who is committed to getting to know each other in a LDR.
Consistently, the teens boys I dated as a teenager, and the men I have dated later on down the road as an adult have proven to be the same.
They are more willing to share intimate parts of their life with you because instead of like a local relationship where physical connection and attraction plays a huge role in how quick physical sexual acts happen in a relationship the opposite occurs in an LDR.
You get to know someone’s heart first.
You connect with their emotions, their thoughts, their beliefs, their values, and you come to appreciate their insight and views on the world around you and them.
The physical attraction plays a part it always will but LDRS create a stronger and more intimate emotional connection and bond than a relationship that has occurred dating someone locally.
So nope the sexual intimacy that can happen in an LDR is just as real in the intimate department as your local relationship is. I would dare say that you connect on an even more intimate level because you are emotionally connected and bonded.
Number Six: Falling in Love Versus Forcing Love.
I never felt like I was being forced to love my Long Distance Boos.
I did however feel on more than one occasion that I was forcing myself to love that local guy who I was hanging out with.
Hence why I ended up with the ex husband I had.
He was the best of a bad lot… And really he was probably the worst when I truly saw his true colours.
Long Distance Relationships allow you to become emotionally vulnerable quicker and you are able to share intimate details of your life. You become each other’s confidants and best friends. Always there for each other and it truly is easy to stand behind Charlie Puth’s song: I’m only one call away.
My two true loves (I’m not counting teen love because that is puppy love) but those loves that you feel you are standing on the shoulders of giants happened both from Long Distance Relationships.
Both men picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and lovingly started to piece them back together. One piece at a time.
I never felt forced to love either of them it just happened naturally.
Long Distance Love was always easier to unfold and happened way more organically in my long distance relationships.
Ryan I agree with this. One of the biggest cons to a Long Distance Relationship is uprooting your life to move somewhere different that can take you farther away from family than you would love.
But can’t the same thing happen in a locally based relationship if the spouse is military, applies to go to a different grad school, or take a job offer that provides more security??
Love whether you are together in the same city or town or half way across the world from each other takes work.
Love will always take work and sacrifice.
It is just up to the individual to decide which sacrifices are worth it for them.
Ryan Patrick shares the belief system that Long Distance Relationships lead to resentment and a growing apart which again just like a local relationship can happen too.
But rather than argue these points out I want to provide a different perspective to consider before you write that guy off who lives long distance, I want you to read and consider this….
This is a trigger warning where I will speak about abuse so please stop reading if this can be triggering for you.
I so desperately wanted to be loved and accepted. So I married him. The guy who lived just down the street. Even though I was terrified of him. I was absolutely scared for my life every time we hung out. But I didn’t know who to reach out to. To get away from it all.
I was married to a man who was abusive with me in every sense of the word. Physical, mental, emotional and sexual.
The easiest scars to cover up are bruises or cuts because somehow they always heal.
But the words, the control, the manipulation and being able to get people to believe that you’re actually the one who is crazy those wounds cut deep and never really heal.
Being cut off from my family and friends because he didn’t think they were good enough was isolating and heart breaking.
Waking up to a man who is supposed to be protecting you doing atrocious things sexually to you is heart wrenching and in many ways so shameful… I never wanted to be someone who would have to say that I was raped by my husband but it’s the truth. And someone one day will need to hear this and know that it’s not just them… so that’s why I share this here.
So believe me when I say I left an abusive marriage totally shattered. Totally broken. Trying to pick up the pieces and hold them all together. Only to feel like there were too many and they continually kept slipping out of my hands and I couldn’t hold onto them all.
And then a year and a half later.
I meet a guy.
Through our Christian community.
We started talking and just never stopped.
And slowly I felt like he carefully picked up the shattered mess of my life and started to glue and band-aid the pieces back together.
He taught me that it was okay to be broken, to cry and mourn the tragedies that I experienced.
And then he taught me that I was still lovable.
He cried with me.
He encouraged me.
He held me.
He fought along side me.
He told me that it was going to be okay and it was.
He brought me to meet his family who openly welcomed me into their home and family.
Who treated me as one of their own.
And he healed a big part of my brokenness.
I always told him I felt like I was standing on the shoulders of giants when I was around him.
And due to circumstances beyond our control we couldn’t be together anymore.
And as much as it hurt losing him the all out honesty and truth is that my LDR saved me.
It saved me from going down a path of destruction trying to feel something anything as I wondered if I truly was totally unlovable or why guys just didn’t want me.
Why I was considered yesterday’s news or trash as my ex-husband called me.
We can sit here and say oh LDRs are atrocious things that don’t work but I am here to tell you they truly do.
Don’t write off an LDR but truly give it a try because you might be just pleasantly surprised. That your heart and soul will connect to someone in a way that you have never before experienced and you will wonder how you went for so long living without this soul connection that you magically stumbled upon.
Yup there are going to be both men and women out there who play the LDR field and tarnish the sacredness of what an LDR can be.
But really that happens in local relationships as well.
So do you really hate the game?? Or do you just learn to spot and then hate the player??
I’d rather by part of the dating game, wearing a team LDR jersey and find my slam-dunk cause I know he is out there.
He might be local but I am hoping a whole lot more that he is my final true LDR love.