Want to know if trust actually exists in your relationship?? Or if he is actually being sincere and honest with you?? Here are 6 Ways You Can Trust Your Spouse in your Marriage
AS I write this article I want to put some things on the table.
What you read here on Pails of Love for dating advice will always come from a heterosexual woman’s dating point of view with a Christian Belief background.
As I talk about the man being the cheater I do that because that was my experience. Not because the man is always the cheater.
On the contrary, I know many many many amazing men who have been cheated on by their wives and really the advice can go both ways.
I write like this because I want to speak from a place of my own experience and connect with those who come to Pails of Love.
Because I want you to know that I am one of you.
I am not sitting here coming from a place of look how perfect my dating and married life is because it hasn’t been that.
I’ve fallen a lot. My dating knees are scarred, and sometimes bleeding.
But what I have learned is I just have to get back no matter how many times I fall.
Sometimes, it has been my fault and other times I think guys just don’t mesh cause we aren’t looking for the same things ya know…
However, I do know that despite guys out there that won’t measure up there are guys out there who will definitely exceed your expectations.
I know because I see them in a lot of the marriages I adore and admire and want to emulate one day.
So if you are looking at some ways you can trust your spouse even if you’re struggling to to have that trust we promise that you can create it!!
Let’s break it down from our marriage gurus Trey and Lea from Stronger Marriages.
Number One: There’s room for Openness and Honesty
One of the most basic needs in any healthy relationship is the assurance of openness and honesty.
Openness and honesty allows a relationship to create security and an emotional bond between the pair.
This happens because each individual in the relationship know what their role is, how it needs to be fulfilled and how to fill each other’s love tanks (buckets or pails)
Okay… I know you probably hear what I am saying but you need just a little bit more than that…
So let’s get a bit scientific and use the study of psychology.
In trying to understand more about openness and honesty we found this absolutely amazing resource!!
The Marriage Builders shared this valuable gem of information.
Those with a need for honesty and openness want accurate information about their spouses’ thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If their spouse does not provide honest and open communication, trust is undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. They cannot trust the signals that are being sent and feel they have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting, they feel off balance; instead of growing together, they feel as if they are growing apart.Marriage Builders
So here’s your story you’ve been waiting for…
Recently, I wrote about being terrified to love again… and then I met Farmboy.
I thought I had found my winner.
My knight in shining armor.
But what I found instead was a lack of connection after I thought I had found what I was seeking for.
Farmboy is still amazing and it was a week of bliss but right now in life… I just feel like the needs of each other doesn’t match and what the other needs or can give. If I am being totally transparent I hope one day he will come back and be what I need him to be.
So through it all…
I learned just how important honesty and openness are what is needed to truly create that connection I need and seek.
But I realized what was making that week of bliss and how Farmboy had started my healing process was the openness and honesty that was happening at the beginning of the relationship.
Here’s how it started:
6:15 Good Morning Text and we would text until he started work.
As soon as work was done he would Facetime me and we would talk.
And then before bed it was hours of texting back and forth and it was amazing!!
And then randomly the texts become sporadic.
The calls stopped. And there was always an excuse.
A friend reached out because he said I seemed off.
His advice was SO valuable.
Girl, if I was dating someone I liked I would always make time for them!! She would be a source of my excitement. I would always always make time for her because I would feel like the luckiest guy alive.
And man, I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.
I learned right then that… openness and honesty start in the small areas. And it slowly builds.
And I also learned that Openness and Honesty is a basic need in every relationship.
To create a relationship and marriage that lasts and stands the test of time there has to be no secrets and no deceit in the couple.
I know there might be a cheeky one in the crowd that asks….
“Well what about surprises vs secrets??”
In our family, we are big advocates that secrets hurt others while surprises make others happy.
Here’s a super easy explanation that we use:
A surprise always has an end date (like Christmas or a birthday)
When someone receives that surprise they will be happy and not sad.
A surprise makes everyone happy. Not just for the person being surprised but the ones who aren’t telling the surprise.
A secret on the other hand usually makes you feel pretty crummy inside when you keep it.
Usually, once one secret is told you have to tell another one to cover the first lie.
If you find yourself deleting things or backtracking or involving other people to cover the lie than that’s a secret.
In a healthy relationship and marriage, there have to be absolutely no secrets only surprises!!
Number Two: His Cellphone and Electronics are ALSO yours!!
It is frightening the statistics that show how marriages are being attacked and destroyed through that little box in your hand or sitting beside you.
We all know that cellphones can be a major source of contention in marriage and can get you in a ton of trouble if you are absolutely not careful.
During my prior abusive marriage, I found out that my ex was constantly flirting with girls on Facebook and through text messages, and even women he worked with.
He would tell these girls how sexy they were and how I wasn’t measuring up to keeping him interested or turned on because as a wife because I wasn’t pretty or sexy enough.
The messages cut deep.
So take a lesson from my book and know that cellphones, electronic devices, and social media accounts should have rules and clear boundaries
It is rarely ever okay to be texting someone of the opposite sex!!
Texting some colleague about a meeting time or following up about a joint project okay. We don’t live in a bubble nor can we.
But it crosses the line if we are…
Allowing someone of the opposite sex to know the intimate intricate details of our personal life or marriage. And this is totally playing with fire.
When you allow someone to be let in those pieces of your heart you are having an emotional affair with someone on their phone.
The emotions, the feelings, the connection are still real and not appropriate!!
I’m not going to beat around the bush, so if you are locking your spouse out of your phone or deleting messages so your spouse can’t see them from someone of the opposite sex THIS IS BAD NEWS BISCUITS!!!
Or if he is doing the same thing to you.
Cheating is not just when you have engaged in a physical intimate relationship.
Emotional affairs can be defined to the time when you are flirting and texting someone of the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship!!
And whether you want to believe it or not, emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs
Statistics now state that 90% of all affairs begin at a friendship level with someone of the opposite sex
It probably started off innocent enough:
my friend was going through a divorce and needed someone to talk to. But you have to be SO cautious about counselling someone of the opposite sex. Proceed with caution.
So, first recognize and acknowledge that a cellphone can cause a lot of damage in a marriage.
Here are some questions that might be a good time to pause and reflect on:
-Do you or your spouse have a lock on your cellphone??
-What is the reason for that lock??
-Do you feel comfortable enough to share your phone lock and all passwords with your partner??
-Is there an open invitation to each other’s cellphones??
-Or does one of you freak and lose the big one cause you are hiding something??
-accountability around cellphone usage- my cell phone is your cell phone and vice versa
-cellphones in a relationship are not personal property (red flag)
-if he freaks out then they are doing something they shouldn’t be doing.
Please know I am not trying to be a prude, and right now in society there is this push for all this autonomy and being independent but there needs to be a time and place where you view your relationship as a partnership.
A partnership with a team mentality.
And teams don’t have secrets or deceit.
Number Three: There’s rules around social media use for both you and him
Have you ever gone to a family dinner or spent time with friends only to feel like you are constantly competing against their phone, instagram, Pinterest, Tik Tok, or insert the newest app that all the kids are at…
The greatest lesson to start off that will help both your marriage and own personal life around establishing a strong trust bond is don’t spend more time on social media than you need to.
There have been a ton of studies done that show women’s quality of life and happiness goes down the more time they spend on social media.
So, take the greatest life advice that the people in the room and more important than what is happening on your phone.
Like we talked about together above, cellphones are not there to use as a safe to keep things hidden.
So, treat your social media accounts the same as your cellphone.
Use your social media accounts to brag on your spouse and make sure he is doing the same
Share things that you love about him and he should be sharing things that he loves about you too.
Both of you should be sharing the two of you together.
Flirt ONLY with your spouse on social media.
That other guy you think is hot?? Sorry totally off limits!! Don’t follow them on social media. And your boy should have the same view.
He is not following his celebrity crushes either!!
It doesn’t matter if they are rich or famous.
You and your husband need to make sure you. areon the same page about exes…
Its also SO SO SO important not to search out old exes or flames.
Hunting down an ex is SO dangerous because it can allow old feelings to bubble up and affairs to happen.
So, if an old ex finds you to add you on social media you first need to check in with your boo
If they aren’t comfortable with it then don’t add them!! It is as simple as that!!
So you can trust your man if he is willing to share all passwords together and be in your corner.
Number Four: He doesn’t befriend anyone of the opposite sex who you feel uncomfortable with or shares your intimate details
Girl, Trust your intuition!! Our intuition is an amazing gift!! We talked a lot about social media already so the last thing that you really need to know is
don’t use your status to complain about your spouse or air your dirty laundry about your relationship for the world to read.
think before you type
be cautious what takes place on social media and what you are a part of!!
Remember that, when trust is broken it is really really hard to get back
Number five: When trust has been broken he stops lying and come completely clean with everything
Relationships and marriages aren’t perfect.
And Life…. well life is just messy!! No matter how many puddles you try to avoid… know that you won’t ever espcape from getting mud on you.
And there will be times where either we mess up or he does.
Like I shared with you above when I caught my ex hubsand involved in several lies throughout our marriage especially emotional affairs he placed the blame on me.
I wasn’t pretty enough.
I had gained too much weight.
I spent too much time taking care of our home and young babies…
I wasn’t enough…
All the fingers pointed back to me…
It made me question my own sanity and intuition.
And girl I don’t ever want you to be in the place that I was in so… if you can learn something from me let it be this:
You can know that you can trust him again if he voluntarily shares information.
And you will come to feel like he is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS striving for honesty
He will answer all questions asked of him and be willing to go the extra mile in providing the information that is being asked of him
If you or he has made a mistake and enaged in an emotional affair be open and end relationship with anyone you have been cheating with
YOU HAVE TO break everything off completely
And, remember that your spouse is number one
Someone, who actually wants to come clean will take responsibility for their choices.
Because that choice was not an accident.
And he will need to own up to the fact that he made a terrible terrible mistake
If he was the one who cheated, he isn’t going to blame you as the source of him being “allowed” to cheat.
And know, that even if the honesty is going to hurt he will still provide you with that information so that he can earn your trust, respect, and connection back.
Number Six: He’s patient with you as he rebuilds trust with you
If he was the one who cheated he won’t try to set a time limit for how long it takes for you to get over it as he rebuilds trust
Know, there is a fine line between taking all the time to heal vs. Just bashing your spouse for cheating on you
In order to heal and rebuild trust you can’t hold it over your spouse’s head for cheating on you.
As the trust and relationship is being rebuilt he will offer to spend time just to be around you.
He will be present emotionally, mentally, physically and intimately
He will be willing to check in with you and let you know where he’s at.
There is a recognization on his part that he truly messed up and he is willing to share his location with you, he is willing to be open and show love when you feel unsure.
We covered a lot today and if there is one take away from this How to know if you can trust your spouse is that:
Some of the best marriages have gone through the toughest trials where affairs have happened, and wives or husbands have given their spouses another chance.
There are a couple of marriages that we know personally as a family that have gone through this and have come out stronger on the other side.
But it came with the lesson and realization that strong unbreakable marriages take time.
And that both husband and wife have to be willing to work and try their best.
Marriages and healthy relationships are not a 50/50 type of thing they are 110% on both sides.
So, if you are questioning if you can ever trust your spouse again know that you definitely can.
And if your man shows you these gifts in your relationship that build your trust. Close your computer or turn off your phone and go thank your man for being amazing!!
Because remember the person in the room is ALWAYS the most important.